idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
