I could make wine with my vomit
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
His hands were made for my vagina.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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