Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Randomize
