took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Randomize
