I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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