So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
