i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
