you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
