I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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