it hurts more in the daytime
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize
