The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
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Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
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The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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