My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
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You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
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His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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