The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
