Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
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She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
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Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.