it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?