3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.