Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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