I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Who died my cat blue again?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
