Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
