she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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