Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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