So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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