I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
