We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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