I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
