Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
