my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
