if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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