I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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