you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
