My balls are so social today.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
