in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
