i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
