You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
