I'm going to jail i love you
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
