I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
