hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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