So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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