So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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