I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
