Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
