His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
