Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
