i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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