So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
