I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Sorry about my life...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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