Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
