This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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