I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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