Cold hands, warm shart.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
