when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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