just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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