At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
