ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
