True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
