He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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