Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
