totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
