Apparently you make a good broom.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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