i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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