Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
